Lessons In Maturity
by Project 0506
Summary: ABANDONED! See profile. The teachers have this bright idea. The way to teach their students to be a little more mature is to force them to be parents for a while. But the eggs, dolls and flour sacks are much too normal to be very effective...
1. Chapter 1

I DO NOT APPROVE OF KIBA'S ACTIONS IN THIS FIC! THUS THE PART WHERE TENTEN BEAT THE BLOODLY HELL OUT OF HIM. DO NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM TREAT A BABY LIKE THIS!

A shadow passed over Naruto's face, seeming to penetrate into his very dreams. He winced and thrashed for a moment, as if aware of the horrors that lay ahead. The figure froze until assured that the young would-be hokage had not been awakened. _How disappointing...what kind of hokage can stay asleep while someone breaks into his house? Ah well, he'll learn...if he survives this that is...kukukukukuku_

The figure leaned over the blonde's bed and carefully placed a motionless bundle next to the boy's head. With any luck it would remain unmoving until the boy woke up in the morning. He just hoped the sedative lasted. A soft moan of apparent pain escaped the boy's lips before he sank back into the bliss of dreams. Out of reflex he pulled the bundle close and wrapped his arms around it. The intruder disappeared, only to rematerialize on the street below.

"Unit four reporting in. Mission complete." He glanced up at the window. "Let the games begin! kukukukuku...cough cough cough" Kakashi doubled over as he choked. ' _Gotta stop doing that!'_

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"Chouji! Chouji get up!" Chouji rolled over and yanked the pillow over his head.

"Go 'way...gotta sleep..."

"CHOUJI!"

"Five more minutes..." Suddenly the boy found his blankets and pillow pulled off rudely. He sat up groggily. "Wha..."

"Chouji listen to me! What the hell am I supposed to do with this!" She held up a sniffling, dark-haired baby, no older than a year.

"Ino...you woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me..."

"Would you look at him already!" Grudgingly he took the baby his bossy teammate shoved at him.

"What am I looking for?"

"Look at his face!"

He inspected the child but found nothing out of the ordinary. "Ino I don't see anyth...KAMI-SAMA!" Ino looked smug and crossed her arms.

"I told you it was important!"

The genin stared open mouthed at the baby who yawned, bored with the world. "SHIKAMARU?"

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Tenten looked up as Naruto dragged himself into the training area. "You too?" Naruto nodded wearily. On the floor Lee-chan cooed and clapped. Immediately Sakura-chan started giggling and squirming, in her ten-month old's version of a demand to be put down. Naruto gladly obliged and set her next to the black-haired infant whose eyebrows dominated more than half of his face.

"She started yelling at two o' clock in the morning... and she barfed on my bed..." The konoichi had never remembered seeing such blood-shot eyes on the blonde. "She wouldn't stop yelling..." His eyes grew haunted. "So...much...noise..." Ackwardly Tenten patted his back. At least Lee had the decency to wait until morning before beginning screaming. "I just KNOW KAKASHI-SENSEI IS IN ON THIS! WHEN I FIND HIM I'M GONNA..."

"Shh! Naruto! You'll scare the kids!" Naruto looked at them puzzled.

"Noise scares them? Then why the heck did Sakura-chan scream nonstop for eight hours?"

"Now you know what the rest of us feel like when you start talking." Naruto glared up at the newly arrived Kiba, not really surprised to see a dark haired baby buttoned up inside his coat where Akamaru rode.

"That Hinata-chan?"

"Unless there's a little gender secret Hinata-chan's been keeping, I'm guessing it's Shino." He put his teammate-turned-runt next to the others. While the others crawled around, Shino-chan simply sat and stared into space silently.

Naruto reached out an experimental finger and poked his head. No reaction. "What's his problem?"

The Inuzuka shrugged. "How should I know? He's been like that since I shut him up this morning..." Slowly Naruto backed away as fury as terrifying as the Byakugan and Mangekyou Sharingan burned in Tenten's eyes.

"Exactly. HOW. Did. You. Shut. Him. Up?"

"Same way I do Akamaru. Grabbed his back legs and shook him 'til he stopped crying...Tenten-san? Tenten-san...why are you looking at me like that...Wait! Tenten-san..." Tenten pulled several kunai.

"You shook a baby until it stopped crying?"

Kiba looked around for support. "Well...the bugs would protect him right?" He started backing away as the weapons mistress inched forward. "I'm really sorry! I won't do it again, I swear!"

"Damn right Baka!" Kiba broke into a run dodging the cloud of kunai descending on him. "YOU COULD MAKE HIM BRAIN-DEAD OR SOMETHING! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE THREATENED! COME BACK HERE! LEMME SHOW WHAT HE PROBABLY FELT LIKE!

Naruto stared down at the unmoving Shino. He poked him. Nothing. He poked him a little harder. Still nothing. He poked yet again. This time the baby toppled to the side and lay there. "OI KIBA! I THINK YOU BROKE HIM!" Kiba seemed too busy running for his life to pay him any mind. The boy got to thinking. What could make an Aburame react? What would bugs like? Other bugs...right?

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Tenten whirled as an unearthly scream tore through the morning sky. Kiba took this opportunity to dive for cover in the underbrush. He shuddered and rocked back and forth, completely traumatized. _Crazy woman Crazy woman Crazy woman Crazy woman Crazy woman Crazy woman ..._

She raced back to the training ground to find Shino-chan sitting on top of the blonde, kikai swarming him.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!"

"ME? He attacked me! All I did was give him a spider! Spiders are bugs right?"

"NARUTO! Spiders EAT bugs!" She snatched up the boy and cuddled him, whispering softly to him. Sakura-chan simply watched the going ons in mute amusement while Lee-chan had a river of tears running down from his eyes. The girl stooped and gathered all of them into a hug. "Don't worry. Tenten-chan won't let those two brutes near you again. Ok? It's ok Lee-chan. You don't have to cry anymore." She glared over at the confused Naruto.

"What? Hey, I fixed him didn't I?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chouji and Ino were the last genin to arrive at the training grounds. The blonde girl sighed. "You mean to tell me that _every_ team got one?"

"That's completely right!" Everyone turned as Anko appeared in a tree. "Okay everyone listen up. Your respective senseis feared for life and soundness of body and/or mind so they won't be here today. They sent me to explain everything although..." She smirked at the glaring teams, "I've got a hunch that you've all pretty much figured out what happened. Okay, here goes." She whipped out a scroll and started reading. "_Hello everyone! Thank you for coming here today. We have decided that you...ENJOY THE SPRING OF YOUR YOUTH YOUNG ONES..." _She looked puzzled. "I can't read this...Gai's writing is terrible...Looks like there was a fight for the pen...I guess Kakashi won..._Ahem! We have noted the rampant immaturity in several of our students and have devised a...mission if you will. In order to teach you the meaning of teamwork and in hopes you'll grow up a bit, each of us have chosen one member of the team to change into a toddler. The other two will have the responsibility of caring for the baby for two weeks. You will be checked on regularly and your progress graded. The team with the highest score will be rewarded. Any team that fails to sufficiently care for their 'teammate' will be forced to do D ranked missions for a period not less than forty seven years and not exceeding eighty one. You will be required to feed, change, shop for, entertain and see to the proper hygiene and physical health of your teammate. Incidentally, Team Kurenai has already lost thirty points due to physical abuse of said baby. **Unreadable scribble as another fight for the pen ensued. Kurenai won...** Kiba, if you think what Tenten did to you was frightening, just wait 'til I get my hands around your scrawny little neck! And Chouji, Asuma says to tell you that if you so much as take a single bite of Shikamaru you will go on a grapefruit diet. Neji, Lee is not to be used as target practice and Ino, Shikamaru does NOT in fact look good in a dress. I think that covers the basics._" Anko looked up. "Any questions?" She smiled sweetly. Half the genin shuddered in fear. Several hands went up. "Yes Ino?"

"Do we have to pretend to be married?" Anko pulled out several handfuls of notes and began leafing through.

"Marriage, marriage...did they put anything about marriage? Ah here! _Teammates do not necessarily have to pretend to be 'married' as in, acting like a married couple should (you're waaaaaay too young for that) but yes, will have to act like a... family. Sorry Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun...that means you too. No child neglect will be tolerated._ Hinata?"

"C-can we...um...s-switch h-husbands..." She glanced over at Naruto shyly as Kiba's face fell.

"_Absolutely not. This exercise is to be done in teams._ Yes Naruto?_"_

"Why the hell couldn't we just get eggs! Normal people hand out EGGS!"

"Dobe's got a point." Sasuke sighed, moving his foot from where Sakura was attempting to chew on his ankle. His left eye twitched sporadically. _Kill her! Kill her now! She can't fight back! NO...Must resist urge...remember D ranked missions...do NOT kill...do not kill...do not kill...Damn she's drooling on me...donotkill donotkill donotkill donotkill donotkill donotkill donotkill..."_

Anko flipped through the pile. "Eggs? Come on, there's gotta be something about eggs...I bet it's under 'Dumb Questions Naruto Will Ask'. Got it. _blink blink How boring do you think we are?_"

"That doesn't answer anything!"

Chouji stuffed a handful of potato chips in his mouth. "My mother will never let me keep a baby in the house!" Ino edged away to avoid being blinded by flying chip shards.

"Oh, right! Forgot to mention that! _An apartment building was rented for you, courtesy of your parents who signed a petition against the whole strange baby thing. Each team gets their own apartment suite. ...The sensei and/or parents of any team members that manages to leave this excercise with an ahem unauthorized baby reserve the right to beat said team members within an inch of their life...**scribble scribble...**i.e...if any of you decide to get busy we're gonna have your asses!...**scribble scribble...**Ah the joys of youth!"_

"Hn...Exactly...how much time do I have to spend with Lee-baka?" The thoughts running through Neji's mind were startlingly similar to the ones in Sasuke's head..with one marked difference. Neji was beginning to believe fifty years of D ranked missions really didn't look that bad right now. Tenten glared at him before grabbing Lee up into another hug.

"Don't talk about our baby like that!" Neji's twitch started to develop...

"Tenten-chan...he's a damn baby! And he's not OUR baby, he's OUR TEAMMATE! AND our sensei's idea of a sick joke!"

"Stop it! You'll scare him! And stop saying nasty things about him! You'll scar him for life like Kiba's baby!" Neji seethed. Apparently, his sensei wasn't the only person who got a little too into this.

Ino giggled and leaned over to Chouji. "They've been married for 5 minutes and already have a lovers spat." She whispered. If the two heard her, they chose to ignore it. Chouji smothered a laugh.

"Just wait 'til Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun start! Now that'll be worth watching...I'll need popcorn... (A/n: do they even have popcorn?)

"He...can't...understand...me...or anything else for that matter! Even when he was normal he couldn't understand much!"

Tenten held up the baby. "Show him Lee-chan. Show him what I taught you! Come on Lee-chan, just like we practiced!"

Lee-chan's face crumpled a little with the effort, then finally he remembered his trick. He smiled and reached up to Neji with both hands. He giggled and proudly proclaimed to the world: "NEJI-KAA-SAN!"

"AWWW!" Naruto, Hinata, Ino said in unison. "Cute!"

Sasuke managed a smirk. "You taught him to call Neji-san his mother?"

Tenten nodded. "And he can say 'Tenten-tou-san...and believe it or not, his first word was actually 'baka'. He's been calling Naruto-kun that all morning."

"Lee-chan's smarter than I thought! Aren't you! Yes you are! Yes you are!" Neji backed away from Ino, feeling his twitch starting to reactivate.

Sasuke glanced over at his glowering teammate. "The first thing he did was learn how to call you baka?"

"Shut up Sasuke-teme!"

"Dobe...even a baby sees how dumb you are..."

"THAT'S IT SASUKE-TEME. WE FIGHT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"

"You enjoy losing that much Naruto no baka?" Sakura started wailing.

"Hey you two!" Anko pointed to the screaming pink-haired girl. "You've got bigger issues."

The boys stared at Sakura-chan, momentarily dumbstruck. "I'm not gonna. I had her all night since you threw us out of your apartment when I came for help."

Sasuke twitched. "What the hell do expect me to do?"

"I dunno! Pick her up, sing, dance, I don't care. She's your responsibility!" Woodenly, Sasuke picked the girl up, holding her as far away as possible from himself.

"Naruto-baka, if she throws up on me I'll disembowel you."

Anko sighed and shook her head. _Kakashi, I hope you guys know what you're doing _"Alright people, here are your keys. You're all on the third floor. The Hyuuga family, room 3A." Tenten accepted the key. "The Inuzuka family, room 3B. The Akimichi family..."

"...Yamanaka!"

Anko looked up and blinked. "What?"

Ino crossed her hands stubbornly. "If we're playing along, we're going to be the Yamanaka family."

The jounin smirked. "Okay Mrs. Chouji Yamanaka, wanna take the key already?"

Chouji grumbled. "Feel sorry for Shikmaru when this girl sinks her teeth in him...sinking teeth...food...so hungry...Akamaru, have you by chance gained weight?" The puppy had remained unnoticed, hiding behind Kiba after hearing what Tenten had done while he was gone to get Hinata. He whined and backed farther behing his owner.

"Moving along, finally, the Uchiha..."

"NO WAY IN HELL! I am NOT going to be an UCHIHA! We are going to be the UZUMAKI family!"

"In your dreams dobe..." Before a fight could break out, Hinata managed to grab Naruto.

"WHOA!" Kiba dragged her off. "We're married now, no glomping on other men!" Hinata turned brilliant red.

"I-I w-wasn't..."

"Hey boys, why don't you call yourself the Haruno family." The glares Anko recieved were enough to mutilate an army. "Okay, ignore that idea..."

"Sasuke-teme, why don't we just call ourself the Vengance family? 'Cuz when I get my hands on Kakashi..." He pounded a fist into his palm, "no Sharingan will save him." Sasuke nodded.

"Finally, the dobe has a good idea..."

Anko watched the teams head towards their new home. She shivered with a sense of doom. This won't end well... She shrugged it off.

_...at least this'll be interesting. _


	3. Chapter 3

A/n: Thanks to all who reviewed! And since two different people asked for this here's the warning.

DO NOT AT ANY TIME DURING THE PROGRESS OF THIS STORY DRINK OR OTHERWISE INHALE (dont want to know) ANY FORM OF LIQUID! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

AJ and Evil Ursula: THANK YOU! MY FIRST REVIEWS!

The Judge: Just hang on...I have a very...very devious idea for everyone's beloved senseis! kukukukukukukuku

Riveria Sohma: I am please to report that Neji will have much more to freak out about before the 2 weeks are up!

Lol and Jadeking: Thank you, thank you bows You are much 2 kind.

Reject from the back of the bus: please please no more pop while u drink this! dont bust ur comp! o, and incidentally, I prefer to think of it as a sugar fic...sugar high! WHEE!

sasuke-latias: I'm of the opinion that out of the twelve gennin if anyone would have any idea what to do it would be sakura. so i made her a baby and sat back and watched the others flounder...ahh the fun of being an authoress on a sugar overdose...

Sono Sai has specially requested it...and so here it is: BATH TIME! (YOSH! stikes nice guy pose On with the torture of the youth!)

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He stared at her.

She stared back.

He blinked.

She blinked.

He sighed.

She splashed.

He muttered an obscenity.

She screamed.

He picked her up.

She screamed.

He put her down.

She screamed.

He offered her candy.

She screamed.

He calmly rose and repeatedly slammed his head against the wall.

"Naruto-baka! What are you doing!" Sasuke poked his head in through the doorway. "If she's unhappy, we lose points!" He looked at her. Sakura had stopped screaming and was staring at the frustrated Naruto.

"Well Sasuke-teme, if you would like to demonstrate how good you are at this..." Sakura, annoyed at being left out of the conversation, tilted her head back and let out her finest scream.

"Oi Naruto-baka, do that again."

Naruto looked at him and blinked. "Wha...?"

"Slam your head against the wall again." Naruto growled.

"I. Am. Not. Going. To..."

Do it." Sasuke said, calmly activating the sharingan. "Or I'll force you to. Either way you're going to do it. If it stops the crying..."

Reluctantly the fox-host sighed. "For quiet..." He reminded himself before slamming his head against the wall. A delighted Sakura cut the scream short and started giggling and clapping. "Kami-sama, why me?" His head connected with wood and was rewarded with shrieks of laughter from the pink-topped toddler. "Can I stop now?" Sasuke nodded.

"Just until she starts yelling again." The baby was momentarily distracted by the amazing phenomena that were her toes. She giggled and splashed in the middle of the bathtub which held about four inches of water. "So baka, any ideas?"

"None." The two just stood there. "She's not going to bathe herself ya know..."

A familiar tic pulled at Sasuke's eyebrow. "We've discovered our first problem...you have to be naked to bathe...and since Sakura is female neither of us plan to undress her..."

"You got that right!"

"Although...in your Sexy no jutsu you are technically female right? Why don't you..."

"HELL NO! My mind's still very masculine! I'm not bathing a naked girl, baby or not!" And so the two came up with a brilliant solution: Stare at her until the other gives in.

"Naruto, is there _some_ jutsu we could use here? I don't exactly have very many ideas..."

"Nope...We could ask Tenten, Ino or Hinata?"

"I'm not asking Ino...I'd rather do the D ranked missons..."

"And Tenten and all those kunai..." Naruto shuddered. "That leaves Hinata... will we lose points for asking for help?" There was a rush of wind and a message attached to a kunai miraculously embedded itself next to Naruto's head. The message simply said '_YES, the power of youth must not be weakened by surrender! Fight through the adversity and bloom like a desert flower in the sun! Or you lose 10 points...and you don't have any points yet. YOSH! MY LEE WOULD HAVE A MILLION POINTS BY NOW OR HE WOULD RUN 400 LAPS AROUND THE VILLA...**scribble scribble...**Damn that Gai...yes, you'll lose points for shoving your parental duties on someone else.'_

Sasuke snarled softly. "Well that destroys that idea.."

"Hey Sasuke-teme, if we leave her in there long enough all the dirt should just soak off right?"

"If she drowns we lose points."

"I don't think there's enough water in there to drown...in fact, I don't think there's enough water in there to bathe..."

"There's no way around it. One of us has to bathe her."

"Okay we'll toss for it! Heads I win, tails you lose."

The Uchiha's twitch picked up pace. "You really think I'm stupid, don't you?"

"If the shoe fits..."

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Five minutes later, Naruto sported a black eye, bloody lip and one screaming toddler. "Will Kill Kakashi-sensei..." He poured more water in the tub and proceeded to undress the loudly protesting baby. "Hey, it's not that bad. You can't even tell she's a girl!" For a moment he wondered if that was a bad thing, then decided that all babies probably look alike. He lowered her into the water...never noticing the glint in her eye that showed she would get REVENGE on the evil, evil creature that forced this foamy liquid upon her.

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There was peace in the house, and Sasuke was satisfied. He peered in the bathroom and was unable to hide a smirk. Sakura played happily with some random bubble. Naruto on the other hand sulked...at least, he was _probably_ sulking. All that could be seen was the reddened bump sticking up out of the mountain of soap bubbles that covered his face. He was completely soaked. All around him lay various grooming objects, a testament to Sakura's aim.

"Sasuke-teme...next its your turn..."

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Things were relatively quiet in the Hyuuga and Yamanaka households. Tenten had forbidden the genius to come near Lee-chan. He had been happy to agree...until Tenten declared she was going to get a court order requiring a chaperone every time Neji visited his...son. Before Neji had the chance to retaliate, a kunai landed in the room. Kurenai's bold scrawl decalred: _SUCK IT UP!_

Ino boldly declared that she was NOT going to bathe Shikamaru. So, amid promises of a wonderful dinner, Chouji volunteered.

The Inuzuka household however...ran into quite a few problems...

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Hinata held Akamaru close as she cowered under the couch. Kiba had taken refuge under tha table. Shino-chan sat in the middle of the room, apparently oblivious to his 'parents' distress. Thousands of kikai swarmed the apartment, inhabiting every corner, driving the humans to the farthest corners of the house for refuge. "WHAT IS HAPPENING!"

"Um..Kiba-kun...Sh-shino is m-much smaller now, and the kikai p-probably d-don't have enough space in his b-body...m-maybe if w-we opened a window?"

Kiba jumped up and made a break for the window, racing to get there before the crazy kikai. The swarm wrapped around his foot and began to slowly drag him back. Frantically he struggled to free himself. "Run Hinata-chan, Akamaru! Save yourselves! Don't worry about me! Just go! Please, save yourselves! Ruuuuuunnnnnn..." He felt himself sinking below the waves of bugs. They encased his body. "No! I didn't want to go like this! Sorry Akamaru! I'll never be able to give you those bones I owe you! I'm sorry! I said your chew-toy fell into a ravine and was captured by sound nin, but I really hid it in the back yard by the flower garden! It was so shiny, I couldn't resist. Kakashi-san I stole your Icha-icha-paradise. I was curious! It's not true that it attacked by a pack of giant tigers! Kurenai-sensei..I ATE YOUR EXTRA DUMPLING! I couldn't resist! I was so hungry! I lied when I said it joined the ANBU! Tell Hinata-chan I love her! Nooooooooooo..." He blinked. He sat up and looked around to find the room devoid of bugs. "Eh?" Hinata pointed to the window. "How did you..."

"I walked."

Kiba scratched his head. "Oi, that was embarrassing...that never happened, okay?" Hinata agreed whole-heartedly.

"T-time for Shino-k-kun's bath..."

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Kurenai and Gai observed Kiba and Hinata work together to give Shino a bath from their perch in the trees. Kakashi still hadn't showed up for the second shift.

"Ah Kurenai-chan, doesn't the spring of youth flow forth freely from the youthful hearts of the young lovers?" There was no response from his partner. He glanced over to find her glaring. "Kurenai, one must not squelch the flower of young love that longs to roam free in the hearts of youths!"

Kurenai simply growled. "I will kill him. And I was so proud when I found out!"

"Kurenai-chan?"

"THAT BAKA TOLD ME DUMPY GOT ACCEPTED TO THE ANBU!"


	4. Chapter 4

A/n: Hehe, sorry folks. ' Been concentrating on the other fic for a while. Didn't mean to ignore you and all! By special request of Sharingan216, I am now back in the crack business! (You didn't hear that from me...) Sorry it took so long! Baby Poopy!

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"Something tells me this isn't going to work."

"Have a little faith would you!"

"But..."

"Look, a girl know these things. Let me handle it."

"Um Ino? Ino...Ino...this is a really bad idea..."

"JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!"

Shikamaru-chan lay in the middle of the table, completely unhappy with the degrading situation. While he screamed, Ino valiantly struggled to replace his diaper. "Ino-chan... I don't think you're supposed to use Sakura-san's dress for..."

"SILENCE! Concentration is needed! The artist is at work. Besides, it's about time somebody did something useful with this hideous thing. Now shush." She bit the end of her tongue while she wrapped the brilliant red cloth around the kicking baby. "Okay, and that should go there... alright, see we're getting somewhere. Chouji, hand me that stapler."

"Ino-chan..."

"Choooouuuji-kun... remember what we said about interfering? WELL? Do you?"

"Um, unless my opinion is asked for, it isn't needed."

She smiled and continued in a syrup-y sweet voice. "That's right. Now, what did we say you were supposed do while I change the diaper?"

"Stand in a corner until you need me to do something."

"Good. Now, get me the stapler."

"Whatever. Now I see what Shikamaru means about women... Ino-chan, exactly what do you plan to do with the stapler?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's moving around too much. I have to use staples to hold the cloth on until I can stitch it together." Four rapid clicks later, Shikamaru-chan was stapled firmly to the table by the diaper. "This is going better than I had hoped! Moving on to stitching! Okay Chouji, sewing kit please." Carefully she threaded the needle with red thread. "That way if he gets pricked you can't see the blood."

With slightly disturbing speed Ino stitched the layers of red around the screaming toddler. "Done!" She proudly waved the needle in the air. "Now all we need is a thin knife to pry him up off the table." Said knife was produced and staples removed. Ino held up her 'baby' to admire her handiwork and suddenly noticed a small, tiny, minutely insignificant problem.

"Um, Ino-chan?"

"Do not say I told you so."

"I'm not going to. I was just wondering. Which end is up?"

Both genin sighed in defeat. On the table Shikamaru wriggled around like an inchworm, completely covered from head to toe in Sakura's ex-favorite red dress.

"NOOO! I'm such a failure! Oh, I knew I should have pay attention in family planning class! I'll bet Sakura-forehead-chan could have done this! How will I ever be a good mother to Sasuke-kun's children! Oh I knew it! I'm not even fit to be a ninja! I'll never be the strongest kunoichi in the hidden villages!" She slid down to the floor, sobbing and screaming (which, for those of you who don't know, is not considered the best thing to do around an already hyper baby). "I'm completely USELESS!"

"Ino-chan? We...we can fix this. Please stop crying. You're scaring Shika-chan... it's not the end of the world you know..."

"And now I'm EVEN UGLIER THAN FOREHEAD GIRL!"

"What? How exactly do you figure that?"

"I'm going to grow up to be old, toothless, hideous and of no use what-so-ever and Sasuke-kun won't fall in love with me! Oh I knew it! All my hopes and dreams are shattered!"

"Ino!" Chouji grabbed her shoulders. "You. Are. Not. Ugly."

She sniffed. "You really think so?"

"Well, you're not ugly when you're calm. When you yell then you puff up and look like a rotten tomato. Now we just have to figure out a way to fix this... tell you what. You go fix dinner and I'll fix Shikamaru."

Ino's tears dried up and she launched herself at her teammate. "Really! Oh Chouji you're the best! Well...second best...next to Sasuke-kun, you're the best! I'm going to make you a huge dessert!"

Chouji watched her skip happily away. "What did I get myself into? I don't know how to change a diaper." He turned to the still-wailing baby. "You have any ideas?" Naturally, as babies cannot fully vocalize their thoughts, Shikamaru either did not have any ideas, or did not choose to share them with his team mate. "Perfect. The one time you can't come up with a solution.

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"I think it works very well." After twenty minutes of deliberating, Chouji had cut holes for Shikamaru's head, arms and legs from the bundle. "In fact, I think it's absolutely perfect. Thanks a bunch Chouji! Now, dinner time." Ino reached to place Shikamaru in his high chair.

The dark haired boy smirked and a disgusting odor filled the room. Suddenly the bottom of the dress-turned-diaper sagged, filled with more baby poo than is considered natural. Shikamaru grinned at his parents and folded his arms.

"Oh crap..."

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"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh, damn, mine never smells this bad!"

"Which brings to question baka. Why the hell were you smelling yours in the first place?"

Naruto glared. "That's not the point. The point is, it stinks."

"So you weren't trying to present me with useless information, you were trying to point out the incredibly obvious. Next time make it a bit more clear which you are aiming for."

"Shut up teme. Why am I getting all the dirty work? You haven't done anything! We're supposed to be a _team_! And up until now you've done nothing but..."

"I suppose it means you don't want this then." Sasuke held up a very thick and heavy book. "You looked even more stupid than usual so I figured you'd need help. And the rules don't say anything about getting help from a book. I was going to get 'Parenthood for complete and utter morons' but it was out of print. We'll have to make do with 'It's a baby, not a shuriken, damnit! Everything the single shinobi needs to know about parenting'."

"Good! Find the page about diaper changing!"

"Diapers...t. This had better be good, I paid way too much for it. Ingredients: baby powder, damp cloth/ paper towel/ wet-wipes, safety pins, strips of fabric (disposable diapers can be used, but omit safety pins), plastic bag, fine-tipped detail brush, black metallic ink...what?"

"What the hell do we need ink for?"

"Neither of us have any experience with babies. This woman does. So shut up and get what she says we need." Sasuke read the rest of the page and smirked.

"Hey teme, what's so funny?"

Naruto snatched the book. "Hey! This is ninjutsu! Isn't this stuff forbidden?

"It doesn't say so. It just says not to use if you're of the Hyuuga line...if we don't ask then we won't know whether or not it's forbidden. So lets just do it, and find out later. Unless of course you want to handle a piece of fabric that's filled with Sakura's ..."

"Okay, okay. Let's just do it."

So the enterprising young ninja shut the window and put an anti-spying seal on the walls and floor, pushed all the furniture to the edges of the room, then proceeded to copy the seal from the book. "Oi teme, this was written by Mitarashi Dango... what if she's related to Anko?"

"So? The whole family can't be like that."

_Somewhere in Konoha, 38 sneezes shook a rather large bar to the foundations. "What the hell!" Mitarashi Arashi looked around suspiciously. "Who's talking about us?"_

_"Don't know tou-san." The chuunin in Anko's grip managed to slip out in the confusion and made a break for the door. A giant python wrapped wrapped around his legs and crushed them, dragging the poor nin back to the torment._

_"Hehehehe, somebody found it!" Dango-baa-san chuckled toothlessly from her rocking chair. "Yes, yes. They found it. Wonderful. Tonight, tonight...or tomorrow. It matters none. Soon dears. Sooooooon!" Arashi shrugged._

_"Apparently Kaa-san isn't worried. It's alright everyone! Let's get back to the party!" The chuunin was strung up by his ankles over a pit of poisonous snakes. Every member of the clan took turns swigging sake, gulping dango, and poking the unfortunate chuunin with long poles. Occasionally one of the party-goers would swing a little too hard and a resounding thud, followed by screams of pain were heard. Said swinger would be forced to sit out a turn. They could come back into the game if they aimed a shuriken close enough to slice off hair but not break skin from the far corner of the room. The area around the bar was deserted, so the ninja's cries went unanswered. After all, no one wanted to interfere with the Mitarashi clan's 'Welcome the son-in-law' ritual..._

"..." Naruto shook his head violently. "I'ts best not to think about it... OW!" He gripped the back of his head. What was that for?" The Uchiha pointed to their teammate who was now giggling.

"She was about to cry."

Three hundred and eighty seven ancient symbols and one tiger seal later, Sakura sat, completely de-doodied. One discreet plastic bag was the only evidence of diaper duty.

"Great. Why didn't you find this sooner? Now we'll win for sure!" Sasuke's only response was a smirk. He reached to pick up the toddler. As her feet left the floor there was a loud pop sound. The entire room was coated with baby powder. Naruto held his stomach and howled in laughter at the glowering genius. "Oh, that was good! You should have seen your face! Who knew that baking powder instead of baby powder would..." He backed away when Sasuke started approaching him menacingly. "Calm down! It's payback for always ditching me."

"Fix it. Now. And clean up the mess."

"Whatever. But you're doing the changing next time."

"Next time?" Sasuke's eye twitched.

"Yes teme, next time. Babies poo. Alot. We'll be doing this at least twice a day."

"...damn."

"Seriously teme, you should have seen your face."

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"...What are they doing? Isn't that domestic violence?" Asuma lit a cigarette and dodged the flying shards of broken glass from the window.

Kakashi shrugged. "Who knows? Sakura seems to be enjoying it..."

Through the peaceful night rang screams of "No! Teme! Don't throw that!" CRASH. "Ow! Oh Kami-sama! Sasuke! Get ahold of...wait! Don't! Not the sharingan! Come on, we can talk about this, right?"

"Chidori!"

"I am NOT fixing that wall! I mean it! You think you're the only one with cool jutsus? Rasengan!" CRASH. BANG. THUD...silence ..."Sasuke...I think we have a problem. There's baby crap all over the kitchen..."

_Note at end of the diaper changing no jutsu: Not always effective. Faeces will need will be transported to some random room in the house. Best if used outside. Not recommended for use by men._

a/n: sorry if its not up to scratch. I'll rework the chapter again later. Just trying to get back into my groove. Don't worry, it'll get better. Bye for now.


	5. Chapter 5

A/n: Thanks everybody! You're really nice. hands out cookies Okay, here's the deal, I'm pretty much going to work on Lessons in Maturity, Her Own Little Word and the second chapter of ADDetective. If I find time (and motivation) I'll finish the rough draft of chapter two of Bonding (it's going to be a series of oneshots). The problem is, when I concentrate on just one story, fans of the others start feeling left out. So I'll try to keep them all about even...hopefully. Incidentally, Mission Implausible is on hold until I finish the others. Okay, on to Poopy 2!

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"Are you ready?"

Tenten nodded. Absently she brushed away a bead of sweat that threaded down her face. "One shot. No second turns, no chakra."

"Fine." Neji slid his right leg back for a better standing. His muscles tensed as he faced his opponent. This was it. This would determine everything. His fingers curled into a fist.

Tenten hated being away from all her kunai. Not that they would do her any good in this battle, but the cold of metal brushing against her skin was comforting. Silently she measured the distance between them, noting that she was at a distinct disadvantage. At this distance he could easily read her moves, even without his famous Byakugan. She met his eyes, terrified of looking away lest by some involuntary movement she betray her strategy. "Alright, let's go." She put most of her weight on one leg for better traction. "Jan!"

"Ken!" He yelled in response.

"Pon!" They uttered together. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut, bracing herself for whatever horror was to come. At the silence, she slowly started opening her eyes. Her mouth fell open in shock and she jumped into the air screeching.

"ROCK! Rock beats scissors! I won!" The Hyuuga's shoulders visibly sank. She beamed brightly. "Diapers, wipes and baby powder are on the bathroom counter. Toss out the messy diaper when you're done."

"Tenten?"

"Absolutely not. I won fair and square on the fourth tie breaker. You get the diaper. Have fun." With that Tenten set about cleaning the disaster zone that was their house for two weeks.

On the north side hung the dart board that had originally been the deciding factor. Tenten had won easily, of course. Since it really wasn't fair, they drew straws. Neji won that, after which Tenten demanded a tie breaker. The coin they had tossed still sat precariously on its edge, neither heads nor tails. It in itself was a living testament to Murpy's law. A little bit of chakra was enough to fix the dice, and poker didn't work because Neji could see through the cards. Finally, the ever faithful Janken was called in to decide. And Tenten won. You see, she had a theory. Lee put all his energy into everything he did. He trained with all his might, and he ate everything he could keep down without choking or heaving. So the Tenten Theory states: if it goes in one end, it'll come out the other. And a heck of a lot went in.

Neji stood for several minutes, stare moving between the wailing Lee-chan, and Tenten. HE had a theory too. And Hyuuga Neji theory said, if a baby cries long enough, the woman will do the work. Today he was about to witness his theory in action.

"Neji, if you leave Lee for much longer he'll get sick."

"..."

"Do you know what I do to unsupportive fathers?"

"No."

"I have Gai-sensei make them wear green spandex and bowl-hair. Then I force them to eat nothing but celery boiled in vinegar."

"One: You would not be able to pull any of those off. Two: a ninja must be able to bear hardships without complaining."

Sighing, Tenten dropped the broom and turned to face him. "Hyuuga Neji, can you cook?"

"...no. You know that."

"Correct. That means, if you want to eat, I have to cook. Oh, don't worry, I'll be cooking every meal...but I have to point out that I already knew that you would try to get out of this. So I took advantage of your inability to cook."

His eyes narrowed. "What did you do?"

"I don't know. I just grabbed one, I'm not sure which one went in." She held up two boxes. One read: 'Extra-strength Laxatives for the shinobi who's NOT on the go'. The other simply said 'Goat weed'.

"..."

"Oh, don't mind the goat weed. It's the herbal solution to erectile dysfunction. Just report to the hospital if you have an erection lasting more than twelve hours. Of course, if you want, I know where the antidote is..."

"Fine." Defeated, Neji pick up the soggy toddler and headed to the bathroom.

"Second shelf, third from the right!"

While Neji downed the entire bottle of Cod liver oil, Tenten released the genjutsu on her two boxes of laundry detergent. "I should probably make something nice for dinner to make up for this..." She listen to him gag for a moment through the door. "Then again, maybe I won't. Serves him right."

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"You're pretty good at this. Bet you had to change some of your cousins' diapers."

"Hn." He handed a dry and surprisingly clean Lee-chan to Tenten. "I'm going to take a shower." He disappeared back into the bathroom and locked the door. Seconds later Tenten could hear a full blast shower going.

"Poor guy, bet he's traumatized." Tenten chuckled and finished the last of her drink. Just seconds later she felt the powerful tug of Nature's call. "What the..." She sniffed her cup and eyes widened in terror.

"Hyuuga Neji!"

Neji smirked from the shower as his teammate pounded on the bathroom door. Sweet revenge...

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"Tenten-san?"

"Kiba-san, please, I reeeeeaaally need to use your bathroom..." The Inuzuka looked with more than a little puzzlement at the bouncing, desperate weapons mistress.

"Um, sure I guess. Go ahead."

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou." She raced past him and into the bathroom. A few minutes later and out came a (shall we say) less...uptight Tenten. "Hey Hinata-san, why is Kiba sitting outside?"

"H-his nose a-and the diaper w-well..." Shino was wrapped in a towel, the soiled disposable diaper tied up in a bag on the floor.

"Ah.." Tenten nodded with understanding. "One more question, what exactly are you doing?"

"Um... I'I'm n-not exactly s-sure..." She leapt off the kitchen table, arms outstretched, reaching for a diaper that seemed glued to the ceiling. Her fingers barely brushed the edges and as she was about to grab a hold of it, the thing moved. Not far. Just enough to be out of the girl's reach.

"You mean to tell me that Shino's kikai are playing Keep Away with his diaper?"

"A-apparently..." Another leap. Another close call. Another move by the kikai hidden in the diaper.

"How long has this been going on?"

"About a-an hour. All th-the other diapers w-went out the w-window before I managed t-to shut it."

Tenten pulled out a dozen kunai. "We'll catch that thing."

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"Hinata-chan? Are you done yet? AAAHHHH!" Kiba ducked at the last minute and narrowly avoided being impaled by a cloud of kunai.

"Heads up!" Out the open door flew a diaper, Tenten and Hinata hot on its tail. "Don't let it get away! I'm not going to be beaten by a hoard of bugs!" All along the floor, curious heads popped out of doorways to see what was going on. Tenten aimed shuriken, kunai and senbon at the thing, but the chakra bugs managed to dodge each weapon.

"Hey, what's going on?" Naruto pulled open his door. Out of the corner of her eye, Tenten could see inside of the house behind him, and a gaping hole in the wall caught her attention. She didn't want to know how it got there, fact of the matter was, it was there. The kikai seemed to notice it too. They made a bee-line (pun intended) for freedom.

"Hinata! Cut them off!" The Hyuuga heiress nodded and gathered chakra to her feet, pushing herself in front of Naruto and the open door. She aimed at the oncoming bugs and pressed down...

...smothering the kikai in a cloud of air freshener. Momentarily blinded, the kikai wavered. It was just enough time for Tenten to hurl another round of kunai. This time, one hit, lodging the diaper firmly in the door above Naruto's head.

The bugs struggled, but couldn't remove it. They opted instead to fly for their lives, leaving their prize behind. Hinata furiously sprayed at them until she was sure they were all gone.

"Wha...?" Naruto stared, for once in his life, speechless.

Hinata blushed. "I-I...c-couldn't find b-bug s-spray..."

"Alright people!" Kiba marched down the hall, shoving people back into their apartments ans slamming the doors. "Nothing to see here. Just two crazy ladies and a runaway diaper. Show's over. Move it!" Tenten pulled the diaper out of the door frame.

"Here you go Hinata-san."

"Th-thank you." Tenten shrugged.

"Anytime." She headed back to her apartment. "Well, things definitely won't be boring..."


End file.
